I decided to tell it all, the whole story not just a quick summary but every feeling emotion and experience. I’m giving you all a chance to look into my soul so that hopefully you don’t make the same mistakes that I have made.
I’m sure a lot of people know this by now that I was always a very overweight person. During my high school years I didn’t do well in school. I was a bully. I was mean. I’m sure definitely sure I wasn’t loved or liked. The real reason was, was because I was fat and really unhappy and my cure for that was to latch onto the strong and dominant crowd, whom by nature were bullies and mean people.
I remember the times I had to go shop for high school pants; they had to be blue, not jeans but blue pants. At that point I was pushing a waist of at least 40 inches and to find anything that size was basically impossible. I remember one time I had to buy these shiny blue pants, they looked horrible, I would walk to school so fast and usually sat down during those times, I had to also tuck in my shirt which to me was like someone stabbing me in the heart. My self esteem couldn’t be lower, I shaved my head at that time to immolate a sense of strength and power and to be basically one of the boys, the bad bad boys.
My mom, god bless her and she has to be one of the most amazing people on this planet, shops in Italy quiet often. My mom for her entire life, worked out, a matter of a fact my mom to this day, mashalah, works out at least 4 hours a day. With a workoutaholic for a mom, she was always willing to do whatever it took for me to lose weight, and I never succeeded. I remember those Italy trips when she used to walk into the house with bags after bags filled with top designer clothes that I so wanted to wear. Not for the name, I was never big into the whole “Kuwaiti” flash the brand thing, I loved fashion. My mom would open these bags and hand my sisters one gown after another, one shirt, shoe, bag everything you name it. I would sit on the side and watch, if I was lucky she would throw my way a t-shirt, maybe from gap. I remember when she used to answer my shouts of “mama where is my stuff why do they get 100 pieces and I only get 1” mom would reply “habeeebi jasem lose weight and I will get you everything, the designers don’t make big sizes what do you want me to do”
That would kill me, I would always go to my room and cry my brains out. I would curl up into my bed, and sleep. Sometimes I would sneak out and buy a Hardees or McDonalds meal because eating made me feel good. I was addicted.
In high school I did not improve on my grades even though I worked hard very hard. I guess my lack of self confidence and esteem didn’t help my grades. I was lucky to have a dad who believed in education more than anything else. At 18 I packed my bags and headed to Arizona all alone. Arizona was to become my home for the next 6 years of my life.
College is an interesting part of everyone’s life. Mine, as I look at it today from a new and different Jasem, were boring and I wish I could do it all over again. Living alone and having the freedom of eating out and choosing any place to eat it, the choices of junk and fast foods and the choices of quick yummy microwavable foods make it all the better, I was in heaven. I gained a lot of weight , and by a lot I mean a lot. I reached my all time high of 335 lbs, which is about, give or take, 150 kgs. At that point I began to hate myself. I began to really hate myself.
My waist size was longer in anyone’s range, the only place that had my size was the big and tall stores and I refused to buy clothes from there. I felt that the only people that went there were losers, if I only were real and looked at the mirror I probably would have thought that I was a looser too. I was nuts basically, or I went nuts is a better thing to say. I used to purchase jeans fabric and custom make my own jeans, even my shirts, I use to custom make them. I remember this one time I bought some linen fabric because I loved the way it just wrinkled up and looked so good on guys with good bodies. I custom made it to look like a qurta which is the Indian looking shirt that sometimes you see at Indian movies. I loved that shirt I felt that It made me feel and look good. I later found out that it would be the key to my journey.
My key to feel good in college was to show off as much as I can. I no longer was a mean bully like I was in high school I was the rich Kuwaiti kid in class. I started to shop like there was no tomorrow, buying tons of gadgets, car accessories and had field trips to Louis Vuitton. I had a class once in college and there was a girl that I thought was cute & nice. I normally sat next to her and we used to talk every once in a while but I never felt like there was a connection. She basically did not give me the time of day. I remember buying two Louis Vuitton bags just so that she might be impressed with my cash, I was an idiot, she only thought I was one and the class ended
I had to put myself to sleep a lot with tears flowing down my cheeks, I normally went into the shower and never looked at myself. I hated mirrors, I really hated mirrors and by then I was hitting rock bottom.
One day in college I was walking and ….